Who I Am

So I'm sitting here regrouping from my day at school today. I had one of those days where I realized that although I THOUGHT that I was getting it and understanding it all... I am FAR from ready for the two tests and speech that I have next week. So I came home, walked in the kitchen said Hello to my sister-in-law and my niece and nephew and put my bags down and stood there. I didn't think, I couldn't move, I didn't say really anything. I was maxed out. My brain had shut off. So I went and rented two movies at Redbox to calm down and realize that if I study hard this weekend, I will do alright.
So this brings me to my story, I was sitting at my desk in my chair watching these two movies, smiling and laughing, like I do during movies and I realized something. First off I was watching chick flicks, which totally have a place especially on a day like today. Yes they are easy to predict, thus the relaxing while I watch them, and there is usually kissing and couples. Thats when it hit me. Everyone says that you find someone when you give up, or when you stop looking. How do I stop looking or give up on something that I want?? I think I have blogged about this, but its just on my mind, so please be patient with me. I can't stop thinking about it. I know that I'm a little OCD with a lot of things so my mind usually comes back to the same things over and over, sometimes its for my benefit, sometimes its not. Tonight I didn't even want to be kissing someone, I just wanted to be talking and laughing with a guy over the phone that cared about me. Simple enough...? Apparently not.
However, on a brighter note... I also realized tonight that in the hardest time of my life, I went through it like a zombie... Drifting with a smile on my face for the ones that cared how I was doing. I broke down on the phone to my Mom (she is always the one that gets to hear my breakdowns, she is great for that) I told her I was tired of pretending to be happy, I was tired of pretending of being okay. I wasn't okay and I didn't want to act like I was. She told me that I shouldn't have to. Tonight I realized I am not pretending anymore. I am happy. I am okay! I am happy with who I am!