This Thanksgiving I was looking forward to being surrounded by immediate and extended family. It was SO good to see some of my cousins that I haven't seen in over 5 years. Get caught up and just chat with them. I was able to talk with my Grandma a bit, and say Hi to my Grandpa while he wondered by, he never stays in one area long. My brother made an incredible turkey and the food was delicious. Everyone brought a dish... except me... I'm pretty busy during the week and so my parents didn't want to add the pressure of bringing something. Overall I was thankful for this, wish I could have, but glad I didn't have the added responsibility. My brother, Dad, and I were delivering food from the kitchen while everyone was filtering through and eating. When everyone had their food, we grabbed our plates and dished up. I then realized being single I didn't have anyone that would have saved me a seat. I was worried for a second until my sister waved me over, she had saved me a seat next to her. I was SO grateful to her for this. It was a great day and I was so glad to be surrounded by family that is so supportive of everyone.
This semester has been a struggle for me. Learning about the community and the responsibility to your community you will have by being a nurse. As well as the job opportunities that are available in the community, such as Home Health, Hospice, Nursing Homes, situations like that. Then onto Psychiatric Nursing. This has been hard for me emotionally. The clinical isn't nearly has hard as I thought, the patients are great, and I actually am anxious to see how they are doing when I go to clinicals. The emotional part comes from seeing how people deal psychologically with issues they have in their life, and how that affects there lives. Yeah... lets just say I have a LOT to work on, and may now understand why I don't get asked out. Also why I isolate into my room when I'm trying to work on things, and eat a big plate of not good for you greasy food. I also hate asking for help... I think this is the big one. I'm a people pleaser, and define myself by how others view me.
I was really looking forward to having this holiday, but I've been quieter than normal, looking more inward at my actions, and what I bring to things. When really I should have just stepped back and enjoyed the holiday because it was amazing! I've tried to resist isolation, and have spent some time shopping with family and talking. Tomorrow we are going to the aquarium as a big family, it should be fun.
I'm slowly feeling beat down... Work is hard, and I feel like more is being asked of me and I'm trying. School is getting harder, clinical hours will triple for next semester, the hours will stay the same at work, and studying will have to be a priority as the NCLEX (boards) come closer. I don't know who to talk to really... Everyone says it will be fine, and I'm sure it will. I just feel a huge weight on my shoulder, and instead of lightening it, its just feeling steadily heavy, maybe heavier some days. Somedays I wish there was someone that would be home waiting for me, just to give me a hug and tell me I can do it. I think I'm finally ready to admit... I don't want to do this alone... but I will do it no matter what! Alone if needs be... but my want is to have someone by my side. It's just a wish... a Christmas wish.
