Screaming!!!!!!

I feel like screaming tonight... here I sit, in my pajamas, ready to go to sleep, I have even taken an ambien to see if that could get me to go to bed... yet, here I sit, wide awake... waiting... waiting...
I don't know what it is, sometimes my body would love to sleep for hours and hours, I don't feel like I can get enough sleep... but for the most part, it's this situation.  The begging for sleep to come, and it never does.  If I'm lucky I will be able to get to sleep in an hour or so... after this ambien, I'm really hoping so.  I don't take ambien lightly.  I have actually been trying other things, at home remedies if you will... sleepy time tea, hot baths, exercise, stuff like that.  But these up cycles, where I just can't seem to want to sleep, my body wants to stay awake are SO frustrating to me.  I wouldn't mind as much if I didn't have obligation to attend to first thing in the morning.  I'm pretty sure I have blogged about this frustration before, but I was sitting here and wanting to scream and yell... and thought why not put it on my blog? Scream there? lol  So here it is... Sleep evades me, quite often, and I'm not sure why my body fights it as much as it does... but I am determined to win this war, even if I lose a few battles.

Capstone Clinicals

Well I just finished my capstone clinicals. For those that don't know much about Nursing School, it's the end! I was assigned a hospital unit to work on for 130-200 hours through the semester, I was also assigned to work with a preceptor through the whole thing, and schedule the time on my schedule. I was able to list three choices and my professors tried to place me in one of those. Well I listed NICU at Primary Children's Hospital, NICU at another hospital, and then anywhere at Primary Children's. Well the placements went out and I didn't have anything yet, I got anxious and thought I didn't get the NICU (there were very few placements). I emailed my professor and she said that I didn't get the NICU, but that she was trying to place me somewhere else. I was disappointed to say the least, I had always wanted to work in the NICU, I wanted to be a NICU nurse! Shortly after I got that emailed, another followed, my professor informed me "I just heard word, the PICU wants you." The PICU wants me??? Well that's encouraging, I thought.
Well the time came to start the semester, and working full time, with school, plus two sets of clinicals, I wanted to start working on the hours as soon as possible. I set up my first clinical with my preceptor and met her that morning bright and early. Wow... was I overwhelmed!!! I didn't think I could do it, and she could tell. She was so sweet and kept asking me if I was doing alright, and how I was holding up, encouraging me that the first day is just orienting really to figure out where everything was. Well I made it through that day and thought I wouldn't stop, I would keep going.
Day after day it got a little easier, and to say my preceptor helped me is a HUGE understatement! I would get overwhelmed, and then be reassured that I was right where I should be. Well I came to not only enjoy my capstone clinicals, I loved them! I got to meet some amazing people that work on the unit at Primary Children's! The nurses are wonderful, the doctors are very nice, and not intimidating (of course, there are always exceptions to the rules!) and my preceptor is so positive that it was hard not to have it rub off. I was also able to meet so many nice patients and their families. There was one in particular that helped me so much, she is so sweet, and so encouraging, I looked forward to seeing her and her adorable little girl each clinical.
Rather than going to just get my hours done, I looked forward to going, and I will truly miss my time there. It kind of hit me this morning that I wouldn't be going back and it was really hard for me. I am definitely going to apply to the children's hospital and might be able to work my way into the PICU, but it will take some time, and who knows, maybe I belong somewhere else in the hospital. However, I know with out a doubt I was suppose to be in the PICU for my capstone, and I'm truly grateful that I was, and that I was able to meet so many amazing, inspirational people!

Holiday Surrounded by Family

This Thanksgiving I was looking forward to being surrounded by immediate and extended family. It was SO good to see some of my cousins that I haven't seen in over 5 years. Get caught up and just chat with them. I was able to talk with my Grandma a bit, and say Hi to my Grandpa while he wondered by, he never stays in one area long. My brother made an incredible turkey and the food was delicious. Everyone brought a dish... except me... I'm pretty busy during the week and so my parents didn't want to add the pressure of bringing something. Overall I was thankful for this, wish I could have, but glad I didn't have the added responsibility. My brother, Dad, and I were delivering food from the kitchen while everyone was filtering through and eating. When everyone had their food, we grabbed our plates and dished up. I then realized being single I didn't have anyone that would have saved me a seat. I was worried for a second until my sister waved me over, she had saved me a seat next to her. I was SO grateful to her for this. It was a great day and I was so glad to be surrounded by family that is so supportive of everyone.
This semester has been a struggle for me. Learning about the community and the responsibility to your community you will have by being a nurse. As well as the job opportunities that are available in the community, such as Home Health, Hospice, Nursing Homes, situations like that. Then onto Psychiatric Nursing. This has been hard for me emotionally. The clinical isn't nearly has hard as I thought, the patients are great, and I actually am anxious to see how they are doing when I go to clinicals. The emotional part comes from seeing how people deal psychologically with issues they have in their life, and how that affects there lives. Yeah... lets just say I have a LOT to work on, and may now understand why I don't get asked out. Also why I isolate into my room when I'm trying to work on things, and eat a big plate of not good for you greasy food. I also hate asking for help... I think this is the big one. I'm a people pleaser, and define myself by how others view me.
I was really looking forward to having this holiday, but I've been quieter than normal, looking more inward at my actions, and what I bring to things. When really I should have just stepped back and enjoyed the holiday because it was amazing! I've tried to resist isolation, and have spent some time shopping with family and talking. Tomorrow we are going to the aquarium as a big family, it should be fun.
I'm slowly feeling beat down... Work is hard, and I feel like more is being asked of me and I'm trying. School is getting harder, clinical hours will triple for next semester, the hours will stay the same at work, and studying will have to be a priority as the NCLEX (boards) come closer. I don't know who to talk to really... Everyone says it will be fine, and I'm sure it will. I just feel a huge weight on my shoulder, and instead of lightening it, its just feeling steadily heavy, maybe heavier some days. Somedays I wish there was someone that would be home waiting for me, just to give me a hug and tell me I can do it. I think I'm finally ready to admit... I don't want to do this alone... but I will do it no matter what! Alone if needs be... but my want is to have someone by my side. It's just a wish... a Christmas wish.

Frustration...

So I really try not to complain here all that much, maybe that's why I haven't had a post here for awhile... I'm pretty sure I suffer from summer depression. I love the fall and can't wait for the cooler weather and warmer clothes. I love wearing jeans and a sweater!
Today has just been one of those days. I woke up and it all went down hill from there. I cried at work for hours (which in a glass cubicle is just not so fun when you are a private person and like to hide any emotion that you possibly can). For lunch a couple of girls from work and I went to a quilt shop. It's amazing to me what even just looking at fabric and the endless possibilities that you can do with it! So I was a little happier, but it didn't last. Really it was just a bad day, and I don't want to go into specifics, it was just hard.
I also went on a date. It was fun, I had fun. It was a double date and the couple I went with is starting to be some of my favorite people in my ward. We played games and laughed. Then came the good bye... what is it about saying good bye that can relay so much information??? Like... it was nice to meet you, you would be a nice friend, it was fun... yeah... a dot dot dot. I remember why I only really go on a date every year or so. The guy was really nice, and like I said I had a great time. However, there is always analyzing of what I did wrong, and why I know I will never hear from him again. I'm not sure what I do, but it happens every time.
My greatest fear in life is failure. Not to die, not to be alone, but to fail. Leave this life accomplishing nothing and to mess up the things I long to do. This week, especially today, it feels like that is all I am doing.
Great way to start the new school year ahead! I guess its only up from here.

Writing Letters...

So lately I've been seeing movies, or television that seem to talk a lot about writing letters, actual letters. Showing people writing letters or reading letters. Letters are an art form, a nearly lost art form. Which is sad. Typing emails, and status updates, and instant messages, even text messages, or emotionless. Even extremely moving emails that most girls keep, like they would letters, aren't nearly as personal. The typeface is general, the words are tapped, while a letter the words are carefully scratched across a paper with permanence that no sentiment can be backspaced easily.
So what is this post even about, or is it about anything really??? Well it is. I miss getting letters, writing letters, the effort it takes to take the paper and put the pen to it and mark it, (just like my poem). Even if you hit a blank, though must go into a letter. After its written its folded carefully, placed in an envelope and then put into a box. The letter slowly, yes it takes a few day, which to me is part of its charm, to reach the intended reader. A general piece of paper becoming something intimate between two friends, two lovers, two family members. Each one specifically for them. A piece of paper that you can read over and over again and see the authors hand writing and scrolls on each paper, each meant just for them.
In old times without internet, cell phones, or instant message with picture it would take weeks to get letters from family members. I was not alive through this time, but my grandparents were, and I know that when they had passed, there were letters after letters that were old and worn that were saved because it showed the sentiment growing between them. What can we say today? Print out the typed pages of emails to pass down? Who is to say that it's written by me? Is this my hand writing? I love to look back at my great-grandmothers notes, even just to herself, letters between loved ones that I have been able to come across.
So to quickly sum up this "short" post... which I have now made long... I feel this generation is missing out on the personalities that came with letters, the effort it took to write a letter, and... well I am missing letters. The beauty of a hand written letter will never, in my mind, be replaced by a typed letter.

Wonderings

This last weekend I was on spring break and wanted to just take it easy at home before I started my Pediatric Nursing course. I've heard it's intense, and I figure I won't get much alone time. Anyways, my dear friend Felicity has told me over and over to watch North & South and I was looking through Netflix on my apple tv and realized that it was streaming free, so I started to watch it.
I had been slow to watch this because I always thought it was about the American North & South, and wanted to be in the right frame of mind for the issues that come along with that time of history. However, I was mistaken, it was England's North & South (see I would have known this had I paid attention to the fact that it IS a BBC production...).
I was enthralled from the first episode, even if it's a predictable show, as all these shows are. But it is something about this time frame that just engrosses me. The art of a relationship that is more than physical, as it was improper to kiss until engagement. Something that is grown from things that are not just surface deep. Couples walked around the grounds and spoke to each other. While in my life sometimes I realize that I try to appease the people that I talk with, the thing I find most intriguing is that I admire the main women character in these shows because they speak from their heart and hold to their desires. If it is not something they want, even if those around them think it is best, they hold true to themselves, and seek for what truly makes them happy.
The music, the scenery, the clothing, all make this movie near the top of my list of favorites. It's hard to put in words how these movies encourage me to be a strong independent woman. I know this sounds contradictory to the fact that the women don't end up alone, but what they don't need the relationship to be happy.
It's been a long time since I've been in a relationship, gosh, even been on a date. But, recently I've realized how exciting life is, how much there is to take in and how full my life can be, no matter my relationship status.

Life Currently...

So here I sit, studying on my make shift "desk", which happens to be my bed with pillows set up all around me, one for my textbook, one for my laptop, and then my lap is free for my note taking and underlining. I'm not going to complain about studying, because for once I am absolutely loving my class. This is surprising because I thought this would be the one that I would just want to hurry through to move on to what was next. When I found out that the clinical (time in the hospital shadowing a nurse, and helping with patient care) included the NICU I was ecstatic! For some reason, since high school, I have felt drawn to work in the NICU, it's actually what pushed me back into school (a whole post all it's own... someday I will write), but had yet to even be in the NICU. I knew it would be hard, and that there are some serious sick babies in there, and many may not survive. However, I felt like I was where I needed to be. It was an amazing day and I can't wait for more.
So, school is going well, and I have friends that I talk to, which makes me like it even more, I feel part of the group, and the feelings and frustrations about school that I do have, are usually shared with many people in my class. It's comforting in a way.
My personal life on the other hand... I guess could use some work. Well... to be honest, I don't have a life outside of work and school. I know it's hard to push one more thing in my life, but I find it lacking when I get home from a long day at the hospital with all these experiences and I came home to an empty room and pull out my textbook and start to study. I'm not complaining, which I know it sounds like I am... I don't know how I would fit dating in right now, and really I don't know anyone that's interested enough to even think about asking, so I've pretty much moved past the longing, depressing, why not me, phase. But to be honest, who doesn't want someone important to talk to, share things with, and move through life's ups and downs with. It hasn't stopped being a desire... in any way... I've just stopped focusing on what I don't have.
Work is going well, I just got an award for 10 years of service, I have been there for 12. That job has gotten me through a lot, and it's a little bitter sweet leaving in just over a year. They know I am leaving and have encouraged me in my school work.
That's about all with me, work and school... but how lucky am I to be able to go to nursing school, have a job that can make that possible, and family and friends that can encourage me when times are hard.